Have you ever had a pitcher that you wanted to sign

But all of your offers he did decline?

Let me tell ya a story of my situation

I was talkin’ to this righty from the Japan nation.

The way that I met him was when he was a Ranger

You could tell right away that this pitcher was danger,

He took the mound and his slider was breakin’

No opposing batter could be found rakin’.

I whispered in his agent’s ear, hey let’s stay in touch

So when your man his free, we can pay your man much

I asked him his range, he said blah-blah-bla

He wanted at least 6 years, and an opt-out clause.

I said we’d consider it, and he was enthused

I said, how do you like Milwaukee

He said, “There is a lot of booze”

He was traded to LA, and he pitched in the Series

And then as a free agent, he acted kind of leery.

When I asked, “Do ya have another team?” he tried to pretend,

He said, “Oh, no I don’t, I only have a friend.”

Come on, I’m not even goin’ for it

This is what I’m goin’ sing

Yu, is who we need, but Yu says he’s just a friend

And he says he’s just a friend,

Yu, you’re just what we need, but you say he’s just a friend

But you say he’s just a friend,

So I took Yu’s agent’s word for it at this time

And testing the market wouldn’t be no crime

And we’ve acquired, pitchers, and that’s a fact

Like Marcum, Sabathia, Suppan, and Zack,

Forget about that, let’s go into the story

About a guy named Yu Darvish, who was newly free,

So we made an offer, gettin’ familiar

Having a good back and forth, so we can build up

A relationship or some understanding

How he’d fit right into the rotation we’re planning.

How we could really use that four seamer’s range

And how it works so well to set up his change,

After this was established, everything was OK

The series was over and he went back to L.A.

I called every day to see how he was doin’

The last time I called, my mood was ruined,

Someone picked up and said “yo, is that Theo?” I called again,

You talkin to Theo? “Oh, he’s just a friend.”

Don’t gimme that, don’t ever gimme that.

Jus’ bust this,

Yu, you’re just what we need, but you say he’s just a friend

And you say he’s just a friend, oh baby,

Yu, you are what we need, but you say he’s just a friend

But you say he’s just a friend, oh baby

Yu, you throw the high heat, but you say he’s just a friend

But you say he’s just a friend

So I came to his hometown on a surprise visit,

Just to see Yu, who pitched so exquisite.

It was a weekday, I knew he was there

He’d said our offer was more than fair.

I went to an office and met with security

This guard made me show two forms of ID

He told me where to go and I as on my way

To see Yu and his agent, I was happy to say

But when I arrived around 2:30,

His agent texted they wanted $21 mill AAV.

They told me to wait here, for his agent,

I didn’t know that I was in for such an event

So I came to the room and opened the door

Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?

Theo signing papers with Yu for Chicago

I was so in shock my heart went super low

So please listen to the message that I say

Don’t bother tryin’ sign a pitcher, who says Theo is a friend.

Photo Credit: Tim Heitman, USAToday Sports Images

(Thanks to @CallMeMatub for the David Stearns art.)