‘Twas the Night before Meetings, and this fan was boozing,
Fed up with failure and tired of losing.
Shots poured down the hatch, and my wheels started spinning,
“Let’s get this poor, miserable team back to winning!
It worked with the Bucks–hell, in just one short year,
The ‘Midwestern Sixers’ revived ‘Fear the Deer!’
Last summer, we set off on such a great track
But history says that we’ll soon walk it back.”
So screw off to Santa, his elves, and his sleigh,
My Christmas list’s postmarked to One Brewers Way.
Hey, new guys in charge–please lend me your ear,
And gift suff’ring Brewer fans hope and good cheer.
You traded off K-Rod–why sell him so cheaply?
When all the contenders want bullpens stacked deeply.
His personal problems hurt his reputation,
But wait for this offseason’s bullpen inflation.
He’s worth more with every stroke of my keys
Use patience! Don’t make this mistake again–please!
Now rumors are swirling about Adam Lind
They’re making me shudder and twist in the wind
“We’ve no use for him, he’s gone by the hour!”
Why now, when the market is flooded with power?
Pedro, Chris Carter: they’ll both come far cheaper,
So who’s got incentive to make their offer steeper?
Lind is a player whose value will hold,
Hell–out in the field, he already seems old!
Just look at the Cardinals and Cleveland this year,
Pennant-race pressure makes clubs run on fear.
In the heat of the moment, they’re not thinking clearly,
They’ll jettison prospects they once held so dearly.
Hold off trading Lind, his value’s not high,
And he’ll make an idealized pennant race buy.
The rest of the infield is different, a little,
Our depth chart’s exploding with guys up the middle.
But don’t be afraid to think outside the box,
Titles are won by those smart like the fox.
Orlando Arcia is ready to play,
So common sense says only one guy can stay.
Thing is–Segura’s got growth in him yet,
And there’s just no trade value in Scooter Gennett.
With all of the universe high on Arcia,
Could this maybe be the best moment for “see ya?”
Reports say Orlando’s exactly like Jean,
But baseball’s “potential” obession might mean
He’ll fetch a return that’s worth multiples more,
And I think that’s what all of us are looking for.
I know trading prospects is seen as a sin,
But don’t you forget that the goal is to win.
So whether it’s Jean, Orlando, or Scooter
Fix up this clog like your name’s Roto-Rooter
This might be the only “must-trade,” in my thoughts:
When you’re holding more qualified players than spots.
Which brings us, of course, to one Ryan Braun,
Like Lind, traditional thinking’s “he gone.”
But nobody outside Milwaukee wants Ryan,
All they remember’s that season of lyin’.
And his level of pay is improperly scaled,
When you factor his age, and that drug test he failed.
As a bargaining chip, Ryan Braun’s really crappy,
But his on-the-field presence still makes the fans happy.
It’s easy to look at his face and remember
A time when our season stretched into November
He’s the last link to Fielder, and Hardy and and Hart
On nostalgia alone, he’s doing his part.
His contract runs out at the perfect time, too.
We’ll let him go then, and sign someone new.
Now my speech has a slur, the bottle’s long gone
“I’ll fix this up sober,” I say through a yawn
“My typing’s gone bad, but the message is clear,
Just listen, and you’ll be in great shape next year.”
I burp, close my laptop, and lay back my head,
“Happy Meetings to all, may we come out ahead!”